Sunday, August 4, 2013

Not my normal upbeat post

There are times that there is no other way to get your feelings out than to put pen to paper, or perhaps more pertinent to my particular preference, keyboard to computer. The past two weeks I've gone from one adventure to another. Today was really the first time that I felt like I was back in the real world, and the real world slammed me pretty hard.

It all began when I got to church and our ward was doing a special fast for a member in our ward boundaries who was dealing with health problems. There were many who testified of miracles they have seen, and I know I've seen many in my lifetime as well. Then there was a girl who talked about some health problems she had been having. She went on to explain that she had been told it could be one of two things, and she had been praying than something was wrong with her heart, as opposed to the other option that wouldn't be as easy to fix. She later was told by the doctors that it wasn't the heart, and she explained how she had to deal with this extremely painful experience recently because of what she has.

During this fast and testimony meeting my mom was on my mind, because she died a year ago this past August. We did have many miracles along the way, but I found myself getting a little frustrated again that she was taken prematurely. I began to wonder why some people have these miraculous healings, and others like the girl that bore her testimony, have to go through so much pain and suffering. We had ward fasts, she was given a blessing that, from what I understood, said she would live to see both of her children married and have children.

If there was a person on the face of the earth that it would seem God would want to have around, it would be my mother. She served more in her short lifetime than most people could do it two. She was a woman of great faith and never wavered for a second. She always had a smile on her face right up to the end. If she wasn't going to be healed, then why did she have to go through the past year or two of her life that were so painful and hard.

Did I not have enough faith? Did any of this have to do with me I began to wonder. I then began to look back at this past year, and I know I've struggled at times with that constant faith I'd always had. I was so sure that things were going to work out, that it kind of crushed me when it didn't. I was never willing to accept that she was going to die, I believed our miracle was going to come. I kept putting off our final family photo that she wanted to have, I didn't want to do anything that was any sign of her life coming to an end.

I remember her telling me one day that her goal was to make it until my birthday, August 26th, only to have her tell me a week or so later that she didn't think she would be able to make it until then. However her passing was an extremely peaceful experience. I really did feel the peace that the gospel brings. The support that our family and friends in Orem gave was overwhelming. My roommates, a few teachers from my school, as well as several of my other friends came to the funeral to offer their support. I was very grateful for each of them, they were heaven sent.

However, today I just missed her. I felt extremely alone, and wondered why God had left me comfortless. I wanted to leave after Sacrament, because of all of the emotions and feelings that had come back to me, but I felt like I would be blessed for staying.

An hour later I was in EQ and for some reason we were having another get to know you lesson. I hate it when we do these, especially today, because what I really needed was to feel the spirit, or to be left alone. (Which I guess is weird since I hadn't liked how alone I had been feeling completely alone earlier, but who says feelings have to make sense?) We were told to find someone we didn't know as well and get to know them, then later we would introduce them to the rest of the group.

As I said I hate these lessons, although at least you actually got to know someone this time, unlike several of the ways they have done them before. As I said, I just wanted to be left alone, so I just sat there hoping I could avoid the whole thing. I sent out a tweet on Twitter asking people to tell me something about themselves and I got 5 responses, so I felt like I was doing alright.

Not a single person came up to me, and I was the only one left alone. Invisible, as I usually am at church. Then the teacher, who is also in the presidency decided to do his duty and make me a project. He asked me what my name was, I've been here for 3 years, and asked me some general questions. He is a great guy, and actually someone I look up to, but it just wasn't what I needed after how I was feeling. We then went through the room and introduced the person you met. I got up and left and went outside and sat under a tree instead. I made it through church without crying, but I truly felt alone.

I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to, not even God. I went back in for choir, but I just didn't have a lot to offer at that point. I was tired, I was hungry, and I was alone. Nobody even sat by me in choir either. I know I sound very whiny, and I know I have no reason to complain about my life. I am so privileged, and have so many blessings. I've started to make some really good friends here, and it has been so nice, but once again feelings don't always make sense.

I came home feeling like I was alone, that my faith was insufficient, that not only did my mom not make it to see me married while she was alive, but she may never get to see it even in death. I didn't feel like I brought anything of value to anyone around me, and didn't make much difference in this world.

Luckily I woke up from a nap, had a great dinner, spent time with my amazing family, and had several of my Twitter friends send me some encouraging words and felt a lot better. On my way driving home I listened to Carry On, by Fun. They have always been one of my favorite groups, and may be my favorite concert I've ever been to. I was introduced to them when my mom was going through some of her worst times, and several of their songs make me think of her. I know that as I carry on, and continue to walk with the faith that I have, that all will work out in the end.

I know that families are forever. I am grateful for the peace that the gospel brings. I know that as we keep putting one foot in front of the other, and endure to the end, that we will reach things great than we can imagine. As we put our faith and trust in God, things will work out for our good, even if we can't see it at the time. Trials are here to make us stronger and give us experience. In Sunday school, a girl shared an analogy of trials and getting jobs. She said that many jobs ask for two years of experience. What we are going through right now, may not make a lot of sense to us at the time, but we need that experience for something in the future.

I'm so grateful I had my mom as an example. She taught me a lot about faith, enduring to the end, and service. I hope that I can honor her by living in her example, I'm sorry I lost focus and faith today. I just miss her sometimes, and I'm sure I'll never stop.

'Cause here we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we're miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.


Caitlan said...

I'm sorry friend.

The Purple Lady said...

I wish I could tell you that things will get better, but in my experience, we will not stop missing our angel mothers until we are reunited on the other side, and it's been over 10 years since my mom passed away. Hard days break our resolve at times. I'm sorry you had one of those days.

We need to get together for some bowling again, soon. Hugs.